The Gray Terminal

It's been a while. I've never thought I'd have to leave my crap here again. Well whatever. Christmas was splendid this year, quite a different experience for me altogether. I was especially happy that day. During the party there was rarely a down moment in me and to I was quite intrigued on how I survived my first(socializing) hang out trip after the party.I had tons of fun, that was definite. On the contrary there was a void in me. The inability to really bond to someone, to really become friends. I try my very best not to let down the others, yet so I still feel isolated. I sit. Smile. Laugh. And yet within me, repression controls my every move. A suicidal dictatorship that desolates me for each of my every action. and yet I smile. I've never felt fully acquainted in these occasions. There was forever a reservation inside persistent to hinder me. It endorses me to be sensitive about everything the others do.Momentarily avoiding me.Not responding to my statements.They ...

  After such a long period of being unable to update this blog, i finally took the initiative of doing so. So basically my dad went to china about around July and came back last week, and well perhaps all I can say was that during ordeal of his absence, I felt happier.I felt myself opening up a little more to people around me. But when then came back last week... well I guess i became the same person I originally was again, sadly. Truthfully i thought i had forgiven him of all he’s done to me.My father, that is. Apparently not.For some reason everything I do feels inferior and meaningless to him, and for every explanation I come up with is mere excuses to him.Then what am I, or what role shall be my very purpose of existence in his “perfectly” significant life? Quite frankly, he always criticizes me for being quiet and not wanting to communicate properly to the family members and that i act “As if the whole world steps on your tail”.Isn’t it so?.He never really communicates...

  I laugh, so lifelessly low I smile, crying deep below I curse,breaking my vow To no one who hears, even now.   I chuckle to my spine Yes today is nigh! Wishing seven and a decade The day I met my life.   Perhaps in another world, A much more fortunate child liken a kingdom,a king’s commemorated Drafted with gifts, overly joyed   A fantasy this day so seem’d A joke perhaps, to a life so grim Good night I greet a reflected wimp Into bed I crawl, like a limp. ************************************************** haha happy birthday! Hey thx! A step closer to the end, yet a year extra to endure.where’s the party? here it is! everyone including me, me , me and all the other non existing nobodies not reading this are certainly invited! but hey who bothers anyway?

  many of you definitely already know this, but anyway……       ITS FIFA SEASONNN! and this is the official fifa theme song of SA 2010   just like a waving flag!

  I glare upon a horrific image as it snarled back with hate. I damned its very existence So did it to me.   I despised his visage and abhorred his carriage I disgust at his actions His every single fraction.   This revulsion I had Drives me mad My vengeance never had because of one sole fact:   I’d flail my fist into his temple Knives would pierce at my knuckle If I’d shot at his head I’d leave the neighbours with dread If I’d throw him off my window a million shatters would splatter below Else I could slit my wrist And suffer to watch him torment.   A phantom that could never be absent Unless I kick a bucket or strike and smash at every glint But the worst of his quaint, The ultimate truth : He's acutually me. *****************   Well it’s been a while now since I had actual time to update on my blog, so here’s a poem I wrote about how I’d feel most most of the time. There a...

  Well I know I’ve not been blogging for the past few weeks, got caught up in stuffs and xams.Well anyway here’s a brief update: 3D Computer Games Design Competition by Taylor’s school of computing http://www.taylors.edu.my/courses/computing/comp_archived_news.php?id=2010&news=1 Got involved in this cool competition.Being a game designer used to be my main ambition, my goal in life, my aspiration. Don’t ask me why it isn’t now, it’s a long story which adds up to the list of miseries in my life. Anyway me and godwin were registered as a team and as soon as before the registry form was faxed to Taylor’s we already began discussing concept and the basic stuff.(Before that we were told that the registry date was over, but Mr. Eyrique would check anyway and I really thank god we got in) Couple of days later, I got David Alexander to help out in the art concepts, and he got Steve to do some mecha art.The helping ends there btw. some pictures to cheer things up. Stev...

    A simple thing with too much criteria becomes complicated. No matter how you define your meaning of “simple” it’s still complicated, because of all that criteria you demand. “owh make it look same”. “make it look aligned”. “change the colour”. “ one colour’s too simple”. “give me this design etc etc”. “i want it to look like this, but I give you all the creative freedom you want”. Seriously,if you managed to squeeze any of your own signature within all those demands, you’ve possibly gone nuts. What exactly can be made from all that? yes you possibly wouldn’t understand a single word of any of this, but anyway I need to get this off my chest.But if you’re really curious you can always ask, I’ll clarify it.  

I wish I could scream in a silent place where no one could hear me.I’d scream so loud, my throat would bleed.

  To some people, diffidence needs a piece of its presence within a character, to display simple acts of humility but for me rather I consider it a fairly large hindrance within propagations of my daily activities.Maybe because of it’s solidly embedded within me. Perhaps it was the lack of a missing element that made me so acute and particular about what I do.Likely, it was the sea of rejection I’ve eaten,swallowed and suppressed within me. Nevertheless I do not intend of blaming humanity’s utter selfishness and ignorance,for that is our nature.Simply enough, it’s likely always better to suppress oppression's ugly head and severe its pain alone.Well at least.For me. I’ve been pushing myself hard to eliminate my bad habits of blurting out to try talking less, not to mention to reduce pestering others with my one-sided matters.After all, I should get used to it, especially after high school I'd likely live solitary roting with my age until my final voyage arrives. Humans ...

  I stood amongst a crowd A crowd so full and loud Between all things merry I stood Deep down within me a storm shook.   I deem the speech disparaged and mocked, As they sneeringly chatter Faint ugly chuckles disposing around. Inside the mischief my head hung bowed wrestling a hurricane with all I found. Then the speech muttered “my loved one,I admire the most” It felt as a needle punctures a bubble Amongst the crowd,I stood Silently.   Rambling shatters of rain attack my crossed posture As the sea answers no one I hugged my pain, quietly.   Screams and noises I hear within, Begging and tortured with sin Disgusted voices passing conviction Yet in the epicentre Its calmness cries a lone vocable : Apology.   Dawn was tough for me, concern mistook for rage Once tiny and bale became catastrophe Leaving this precious bond in debris; Myself in misery.

  From the very moment I took up my job as the new webmaster and also deciding to redevelop the site,out of enthusiasm I dove into my truly ambitious goal.Up to before I realised I need a team, out of stupidity I never considered who would carry the banner in my stead after my departure.Without Mr. Eyrique’s counsel. and suddenly I felt ridiculed by my very own doing, out of lack of judgement and lack of predicament  I failed to foresee WHO WOULD CARRY THE BANNER. I’ve wasted millions of neurons… maybe billions of them… only considering who my grand 5 would be… my new “team”.It jolts me awake that none of them even know the basics…(besides this person who had programming skills, other than that a forum admin, none had photoshop skills, html or css knowledge) and aside from 2 posts which require good language command I felt I have failed already, this over ambition of mine brought an ambiguous curse upon me, burdening me down into petty misery. Every day I’d ask myself,...

After long, oppressing Eight almost meets Decade Through raining pain and sorrows in buckets, filled with waters of the stone. with it I watered a fire, this old born flare hoping to tame its mare. to grow a tree, that bore good tidings. Instead the flames grew,with every droplet I threw It thirsted for that element, that sorrowful brew. the very same brew, a chained enigma, Locked in grills of memoir's grave.   It’s keeper sought an Eve, a beauty too costly. His soul was sold,after morning’s glimpse. Truly a fool.That beauty killed him, and yet he sought it thus the enigma freed, bore a spark and left it on grounds within his heart. Lusting an evil,writhen and sweltering his sights bled a river Its blood I call the brew.   A firestorm Rages still, Incinerating with merciless fury Consuming my helpless soul. Its flames are dark, sears every tear Pain of such agony, Like a finger it dug into petty flesh penetrating the bon...

Truly, truly humans are odd.We celebrate an occasion on a specific day of the year every three-hundred and sixty five and a quarter days later, under the really funny excuse of “it only occurs once a year”.   Ever wondered why or how fast the “once a year” event thing arrives again, feeling like it happened just yesterday? It felt really funny.I spent the so called “new year” in my miserable room, reminiscing what I did last new year.The fireworks went off outside, I heard its familiar pops and bangs with the funny irony of seeing people in Garena, rather than them going to join the party crowds as well.Maybe they’re just like me.Or they’re too lazy.Or they’re getting the new year’s love mood with someone special.You know what I mean. I did the exact same thing last year, only this year Garena didn’t offer free goodies to “the first 100 people who click this countdown banner”, well they didn’t even have the banner on this year.Yet despite that there were gamers, lots ...